she told me i tasted like america
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just found puke in my bra..
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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