I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Two words: blizzard sex
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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