Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
