Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
