I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
whose parrot is this?
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i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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