Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
