forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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