I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
