Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
