he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I touched a dick in church today
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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