I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
