census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
