So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
