You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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