Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
