Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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