Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
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I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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