mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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