Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
