Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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