i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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