I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
