After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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