I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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