Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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