hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
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i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
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You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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