well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
