I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
