ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
