just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
