I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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