What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
