did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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