The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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