Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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