Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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