I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
