God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
