I'm lost and stupid without you.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
