break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
