sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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