doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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