dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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