you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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