just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
