look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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