I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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