i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
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