I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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