I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We just shotgunned beers for America
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
