My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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