just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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