Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
