The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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