In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Come on in and take your pants off
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