The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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