my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
