He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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