I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
