the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
