im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
