Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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