she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
