I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
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How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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