Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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